The night wind was cold, blowing petals off the branches, leaving blue and white flowers to fall in a swirl. It was just like that day when he slept quietly in the warm afternoon sunshine. The only difference was that this time, he would not wake anymore.
The man knelt down slowly by the stump and took his lover’s hand, just as he had done many times in his dreams. However, instead of a diamond ring, he gave a crude ring made of woven grass stalks. It was then that he realized, outside of his dreams, there was only the reality that was a thousand times more cruel.
He proposed to his dead lover, willing to spend the rest of his life to hold to a love that was not allowed by God, even if he would fall into hell after death. The wounded hand was as cold as ice, and the coldness of death had frozen his heart along his blood vessels. There seemed to be a wound that would never heal, and this wound would accompany him through every heartbeat as long as he lives. The man put the ring on his lover's finger and kissed every wound on the said hand. He was as pious as he would be kissing the cross.
All the hesitation, jealousy, disobedience, pain, and love that he’d once dared not admit were melted by the cruel death and turned into countless arrows which shot through his heart one by one. The cruelest torture in the world was no match for the pain and suffering of this moment. It was a despair that would continue until he walked into the abyss of death.
In this decaying rotten stump under the unchanging starry sea, his lover was sleeping. The stars rose above his head and fell to the west. The world gradually brightened and the stars were annihilated, the east gradually turned white, and dawn would soon arrive.
But maybe, it would never come.
The funeral began and ended in silence. He couldn’t even give offer a eulogy for him, because his lover was a non-believer. But it was such a carefree non-believer that this devout believer had met briefly in this world, fell in love with quietly, and was left by silently. The last words were “you must wait for me” with a smile before he left, and then “I love you” written in blood.
Abandoning this body, their souls would neither meet in heaven nor in hell. They were not even people of the same world.
The dead were dead, but the living have to spend a long life remembering the cruelness of a love that had never started.
The sun that had once lit up his life has set, and the rest of his life would be a long eternal night.
On the ring finger of his left hand, was a crude ring made from woven grass. It was so rough and humble, like a craft made by a child. If it fell to the ground, no one would look at it again. But it just so happened that it was on his ring finger. It was a symbol of love, commitment, and eternity. Therefore, its destiny was not to be a toy woven by a child, but to be the most faithful and brave answer given by a devout believer after he had tortured himself and subverted his faith.
A pair of lovers who shouldn’t fall in love, at both ends of life and death, spoke their own words from the soul.
At that moment, he knew that he will never be redeemed. His lover was already in heaven. Yet here he was, on the edge of the purgatory.
God, forgive me. I used to be your most devout believer. But now, I have sinned.
writer — hannah ballecer
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